here lately everything is changing. i'm realizing how scared i am to grow up. i thought i was ready and now, i'm just terrified. the idea of being a graduate student in 8 short months is astounding. around me everyone is getting married or engaged. thats just not something i'm ready for any time soon. even if i was in a relationship, i'm not sure i could do that at this age. but theres also a fear that it will never happen for me. maybe its just i fear i will never open up enough to let someone else close to me. lets hope that isn't it.
"If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite me thinking that it is impossible."
I'm not sure that men realize this. this is me to the t.



i need to change some things for myself though. i need to get back to my roots, back to my passions. between all my school work and sigma i've lived a very busy life. busy as it may be its gotten dull. i used to be passion filled. i swear i'm going to have a day to myself sometime soon. i'm so sleep deprived, and maybe thats why i'm feeling this way. maybe i'm feeling like i need something more. i just don't know anymore. maybe its cause i watched a chick flick and just about cried the whole time. maybe i just need a good cry.

enoughhh whining for one lifetime. sleeeeep.