my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away

can't feel the sand between my toes.

i nearly killed myself the other day. i try to seem strong but that night i wasnt feeling strong, and i just wanted to. the thing about life is that i feel like i have no control over anything. thats why i had the e.d. thats why i self injured, and thats why i want to kill myself. because thats something i can control. dakota always told me i had so much more control then i thought, and then he ended our relationship, something he thought would be better for me.
i wish people would stop making decisions about whats good or bad in my life without consulting me first.
and thanks to last night i want to end it even more. i hate him so much right now.
this would be one of my whining posts that i'm trying to get away from. its just i feel a lot of emotions and i dont know what to do.
i'm afraid i'm bi polar, or something. dakota thinks i have general anxiety disorder.
and everyone wants me to talk to a counselor. but i refuse. i'm not weak.

this is the life for me.

you cant let others get you down. you just have to live with your eyes to the sky and now that your heart is content. lead by example and just hope that you are an inspiration to the aching.

tonight my life turned back around. i woke this morning in a heartache, in tears, shaking and anxious. i went through my day dreading the night before me, because once night came i would surely shake and tremble again. but something came over me, a feeling that i've missed so desperately. and i started to breathe, and i started to think the things i used to know so deeply. i realized how beautiful the world is. even the painful parts. heartache is the most beautiful thing in the world, because its the most passionate. after five years of deep depression i feel like life is finally looking up again. three girls that i've never seen face to face changed my life tonight.
while i sat at work something hit me, and i realized how stupid i have been and started to think about the movie i saw last night. and how he saw the bag blowing in the wind as beautiful. and it was, and everything is.

there is so much beauty left to see
and i want to see everything

until now i couldnt see beyond my own worries and mistakes
but i am so miniscule compared to everything
and my worries shouldnt mask my eyes to see
suddenly i realize, that i was blind, but my blinking eyes now see

all i see is this beauty in the life laid out before my feet
all that follows is my shadow, some obscure representation of me
and all that i see is far beyond belief
the world is singing its song unto me

and i see god in everything
and its the most beautiful thing i could see.

i think the fact that someone you've never met can change your life is beautiful and amazing beyond belief. it has happened to me.

credit

Everyone knows the importance of good credit. You see commercials on tv about it, the idea of it is drilled into our minds with “freecreditreport.com” commercials on at all times, and people saying they can build your credit and end your worries. Are these commercials the answer to your worries though? Surely there has to be some way to have good credit, without a silly song or someone doing it for you.
This day and age credit is everything, and as a general statement, nearly everyone recognizes the need for a good credit score. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t get the songs stuck in my head, proof enough that the information is out there. If you google credit you get over 600 million results. Every store now has a credit card, they’re easy to get hold of but are they good? Sure, they can raise your credit in an instant if you use them correctly, but they have a way to do the opposite just as quickly. When making any large purchase, a house, or a car, or taking out a loan, your credit is checked. Some jobs even check your credit. Its obvious that credit means more then just how you handle your money. They’re checking to see what kind of person you are, if you are reliable and trustworthy.
As a college student I recognize the need for good credit. I have been blessed with parents who looked at my future, saving money for 18 years to pay tuition and fees. My parents have always paid they’re bills on time and if the money wasn’t there, we did without. I guess you could say they taught me well, the one credit card I own has a $150 max. I could pay it off at anytime. I know the need for good credit, and now that I’m “on my own” I’m doing everything I can to put my credit score at the top. I’ve witnessed bad credit issues. I know money stress and that’s not what I wish upon myself. I never have to worry and I know when to stop the swiping.
The best advice is to use your head, not your desires when making decisions when it comes to credit cards. They can affect your future both good and bad.

this post was for a creditblogging scholarship. you can apply by going to www.spendonlife.com i applied through zinch.

credit.

Everyone knows the importance of good credit. You see commercials on tv about it, the idea of it is drilled into our minds with “freecreditreport.com” commercials on at all times, and people saying they can build your credit and end your worries. Are these commercials the answer to your worries though? Surely there has to be some way to have good credit, without a silly song or someone doing it for you.
This day and age credit is everything, and as a general statement, nearly everyone recognizes the need for a good credit score. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t get the songs stuck in my head, proof enough that the information is out there. If you google credit you get over 600 million results. Every store now has a credit card, they’re easy to get hold of but are they good? Sure, they can raise your credit in an instant if you use them correctly, but they have a way to do the opposite just as quickly. When making any large purchase, a house, or a car, or taking out a loan, your credit is checked. Some jobs even check your credit. Its obvious that credit means more then just how you handle your money. They’re checking to see what kind of person you are, if you are reliable and trustworthy.
As a college student I recognize the need for good credit. I have been blessed with parents who looked at my future, saving money for 18 years to pay tuition and fees. My parents have always paid they’re bills on time and if the money wasn’t there, we did without. I guess you could say they taught me well, the one credit card I own has a $150 max. I could pay it off at anytime. I know the need for good credit, and now that I’m “on my own” I’m doing everything I can to put my credit score at the top. I’ve witnessed bad credit issues. I know money stress and that’s not what I wish upon myself. I never have to worry and I know when to stop the swiping.
The best advice is to use your head, not your desires when making decisions when it comes to credit cards. They can affect your future both good and bad.

fear.

will hold you back.
echos in your eyes.
makes you blind.
makes you lose your mind.
will unravel your soul.
will make you so far from whole.
will leave you broken and numb.
callow and dumb.

fear held me back for a very long time. fear brought us apart. because of fear, the one i loved and trusted doubted me, kept himself from getting close to me, and thought that i didnt trust him.

the wind and the rain smell of oil and octane

so, i'm deciding to post more mature blogs, more thought provoked and provoking. i usually just whine about my life, complain about what boy has hurt me and such. but not anymore.
today i've been thinking a lot about something that i generally think about.
perception.
have you ever wondered just how differently you see something from another person. like, what if what i see as blue, you see as red? up as down? smile as a frown? east as west and north as south. the thing is, you never know if what you see is reality or just your perception. what you see as right in another persons eyes is completely wrong and immoral.
who are we to judge people on theyre actions. who am i to say what you do is wrong or right?

so i'll ask a question, who perceives self injury as bad? why or why not?


Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you

Used to be that my whole body was my canvas—hot cuts licking my ribs, ladder rungs climbing my arms, thick milkweed stalks shooting up my thighs. . . .

I am shouting my invisible words. I am getting so weary. I am growing tired. I am waving at you from here. I am crawling and looking for the aperture of complete and final emptiness. I am vibrating in isolation among you. I am screaming but it comes out like pieces of clear ice. I am signaling that the volume of all this is too high. I am waving. I am waving my hands. I am disappearing. I am disappearing but not fast enough

i miss the lips that made me fly

oh god, i didnt know it would ever be like this, i never saw it ending so soon, god knows i never wanted it to end. i dont know what to do at this point. i thought i had everything figured out and then he left.

oh god, help me please.