I'm moving on-rascall flats

I've dealt with my ghosts
And faced all my deamons
Finally content with the past I regret
I found you find strenght in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with my self
I've benn burdened with blame
Traped in the past for too long
I'm movin on

I've lived in this place
And I know all the faces
Each one is different
But they're always the same
They mean me no harm
But it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed
Home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin on

I'm moving on
At last I can see (Last I can see)
Life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarentees
But I'm not alone
There comes at time
In everyones life
When all you can see
Are the years passing by (are the years passing by)
And I have made up my mind
That those days are gone

I've sold what I could
Packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should
But lived like I shouldn't
I had to loose everything to find out.
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm Moving on
I'm moving on
I'm moving on

lua by bright eyes

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

It was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
It was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight...

To My Future Husband,
I’m sorry that I have been weak in my youth. I loved a man very much, though in a very different way then I will love you. This man knew me inside and out. I trusted him, for the first time in my life I trusted a man, that is until I meet you I’m sure. I slept with this man, I lost my strength and found it in him, holding my body, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I’m lost and not sure if it was. He was my very first, you have to know that until I meet you, I wanted my life with him. So all I have to say at this point, is I hope and pray that when we meet, you will not think any less of me for not being the girl I’m supposed to be. For being weak. I don’t feel any different than I thought I would. And I vow not to do this again until I know that a man is committed to me, until I know you are committed to me for the rest of our lives, I just hope that no other man comes along and fools me into thinking that they are committed to me before you do. I think of you daily, I hope your having a good life and you think of me too. I hope that when we meet you will see beyond my past and see the woman I will be one day.
With Love,
Your Wife.

more photos.

i've discovered a new passion

or maybe re-discovered. photography. i've always loved it, but i never had a good camera. now i do. this is just the first few days i've had it, so theres still so much practice before i will even consider myself to have any potential.

my body has been claimed, soul has been shipped away

can't feel the sand between my toes.

i nearly killed myself the other day. i try to seem strong but that night i wasnt feeling strong, and i just wanted to. the thing about life is that i feel like i have no control over anything. thats why i had the e.d. thats why i self injured, and thats why i want to kill myself. because thats something i can control. dakota always told me i had so much more control then i thought, and then he ended our relationship, something he thought would be better for me.
i wish people would stop making decisions about whats good or bad in my life without consulting me first.
and thanks to last night i want to end it even more. i hate him so much right now.
this would be one of my whining posts that i'm trying to get away from. its just i feel a lot of emotions and i dont know what to do.
i'm afraid i'm bi polar, or something. dakota thinks i have general anxiety disorder.
and everyone wants me to talk to a counselor. but i refuse. i'm not weak.

this is the life for me.

you cant let others get you down. you just have to live with your eyes to the sky and now that your heart is content. lead by example and just hope that you are an inspiration to the aching.

tonight my life turned back around. i woke this morning in a heartache, in tears, shaking and anxious. i went through my day dreading the night before me, because once night came i would surely shake and tremble again. but something came over me, a feeling that i've missed so desperately. and i started to breathe, and i started to think the things i used to know so deeply. i realized how beautiful the world is. even the painful parts. heartache is the most beautiful thing in the world, because its the most passionate. after five years of deep depression i feel like life is finally looking up again. three girls that i've never seen face to face changed my life tonight.
while i sat at work something hit me, and i realized how stupid i have been and started to think about the movie i saw last night. and how he saw the bag blowing in the wind as beautiful. and it was, and everything is.

there is so much beauty left to see
and i want to see everything

until now i couldnt see beyond my own worries and mistakes
but i am so miniscule compared to everything
and my worries shouldnt mask my eyes to see
suddenly i realize, that i was blind, but my blinking eyes now see

all i see is this beauty in the life laid out before my feet
all that follows is my shadow, some obscure representation of me
and all that i see is far beyond belief
the world is singing its song unto me

and i see god in everything
and its the most beautiful thing i could see.

i think the fact that someone you've never met can change your life is beautiful and amazing beyond belief. it has happened to me.

credit

Everyone knows the importance of good credit. You see commercials on tv about it, the idea of it is drilled into our minds with “freecreditreport.com” commercials on at all times, and people saying they can build your credit and end your worries. Are these commercials the answer to your worries though? Surely there has to be some way to have good credit, without a silly song or someone doing it for you.
This day and age credit is everything, and as a general statement, nearly everyone recognizes the need for a good credit score. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t get the songs stuck in my head, proof enough that the information is out there. If you google credit you get over 600 million results. Every store now has a credit card, they’re easy to get hold of but are they good? Sure, they can raise your credit in an instant if you use them correctly, but they have a way to do the opposite just as quickly. When making any large purchase, a house, or a car, or taking out a loan, your credit is checked. Some jobs even check your credit. Its obvious that credit means more then just how you handle your money. They’re checking to see what kind of person you are, if you are reliable and trustworthy.
As a college student I recognize the need for good credit. I have been blessed with parents who looked at my future, saving money for 18 years to pay tuition and fees. My parents have always paid they’re bills on time and if the money wasn’t there, we did without. I guess you could say they taught me well, the one credit card I own has a $150 max. I could pay it off at anytime. I know the need for good credit, and now that I’m “on my own” I’m doing everything I can to put my credit score at the top. I’ve witnessed bad credit issues. I know money stress and that’s not what I wish upon myself. I never have to worry and I know when to stop the swiping.
The best advice is to use your head, not your desires when making decisions when it comes to credit cards. They can affect your future both good and bad.

this post was for a creditblogging scholarship. you can apply by going to www.spendonlife.com i applied through zinch.

credit.

Everyone knows the importance of good credit. You see commercials on tv about it, the idea of it is drilled into our minds with “freecreditreport.com” commercials on at all times, and people saying they can build your credit and end your worries. Are these commercials the answer to your worries though? Surely there has to be some way to have good credit, without a silly song or someone doing it for you.
This day and age credit is everything, and as a general statement, nearly everyone recognizes the need for a good credit score. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don’t get the songs stuck in my head, proof enough that the information is out there. If you google credit you get over 600 million results. Every store now has a credit card, they’re easy to get hold of but are they good? Sure, they can raise your credit in an instant if you use them correctly, but they have a way to do the opposite just as quickly. When making any large purchase, a house, or a car, or taking out a loan, your credit is checked. Some jobs even check your credit. Its obvious that credit means more then just how you handle your money. They’re checking to see what kind of person you are, if you are reliable and trustworthy.
As a college student I recognize the need for good credit. I have been blessed with parents who looked at my future, saving money for 18 years to pay tuition and fees. My parents have always paid they’re bills on time and if the money wasn’t there, we did without. I guess you could say they taught me well, the one credit card I own has a $150 max. I could pay it off at anytime. I know the need for good credit, and now that I’m “on my own” I’m doing everything I can to put my credit score at the top. I’ve witnessed bad credit issues. I know money stress and that’s not what I wish upon myself. I never have to worry and I know when to stop the swiping.
The best advice is to use your head, not your desires when making decisions when it comes to credit cards. They can affect your future both good and bad.

fear.

will hold you back.
echos in your eyes.
makes you blind.
makes you lose your mind.
will unravel your soul.
will make you so far from whole.
will leave you broken and numb.
callow and dumb.

fear held me back for a very long time. fear brought us apart. because of fear, the one i loved and trusted doubted me, kept himself from getting close to me, and thought that i didnt trust him.

the wind and the rain smell of oil and octane

so, i'm deciding to post more mature blogs, more thought provoked and provoking. i usually just whine about my life, complain about what boy has hurt me and such. but not anymore.
today i've been thinking a lot about something that i generally think about.
perception.
have you ever wondered just how differently you see something from another person. like, what if what i see as blue, you see as red? up as down? smile as a frown? east as west and north as south. the thing is, you never know if what you see is reality or just your perception. what you see as right in another persons eyes is completely wrong and immoral.
who are we to judge people on theyre actions. who am i to say what you do is wrong or right?

so i'll ask a question, who perceives self injury as bad? why or why not?


Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you

Used to be that my whole body was my canvas—hot cuts licking my ribs, ladder rungs climbing my arms, thick milkweed stalks shooting up my thighs. . . .

I am shouting my invisible words. I am getting so weary. I am growing tired. I am waving at you from here. I am crawling and looking for the aperture of complete and final emptiness. I am vibrating in isolation among you. I am screaming but it comes out like pieces of clear ice. I am signaling that the volume of all this is too high. I am waving. I am waving my hands. I am disappearing. I am disappearing but not fast enough

i miss the lips that made me fly

oh god, i didnt know it would ever be like this, i never saw it ending so soon, god knows i never wanted it to end. i dont know what to do at this point. i thought i had everything figured out and then he left.

oh god, help me please.

take these broken things
mend and nurse til i'm whole once again
teach and tender
and i will love in a way i never knew

this is all new to me
your tender words and touch are something i cant comprehend
i never dreamed it'd be you to first say you love me
this is all so over my head

these fears
they take me over
so take them as yours
and make me so sure

i have lived in silence
always alone, never to be broken
my steps never faltered
until your face found my sight

it always rains hardest on those who deserve the sun

i've told michael i have to move on, and i'm content in that decision, i knew i had to, it just hurts, i miss him.

"i miss the lips that made me fly"

he is incredible, he's all i ever wanted and more then i ever thought i'd want. he makes the bad go away and makes me feel so beautiful, so wanted, so .. everything. his smile makes my day and .. well i could go on and on about how amazing he is.

"a real lover can thrill you from across the room with just a glance"

yeah .. thats how it was. there was a look he'd give me that would turn my insides out, make me dizzy, and make me float. and thats what i'll miss the most

but besides how great he is, he broke me down pretty low. he kept me waiting for far too long, led me to believe that we would be something great and then told me it would NEVER happen. we made plans and then he would ditch them .. he broke my heart, made me fall in love with him and broke it.

but it's okay, i am strong.

i can live my life without a man and i am and i am happy.

i love my life, with or without a guy to kiss and love, whatever happens happens

(:

but if i try to save him, my whole world would cave in.

i love this man. he is incredible and pretty much the best guy i've ever met. he is my miracle, he is who i've waited for my entire life. he changed me so much, but then it was like, he just .. didnt want to talk to me, didnt want to see me, didnt want to hold and kiss me. and i have never loved someone so much, and i have never hurt so much. and he wont even tell me about himself, he's got such a hard life that i want to know
but he wont tell me
not ever
he doesnt trust me
he doesnt love me


oh and i dont know, i dont know what he's after.
but he's so beautiful
he's such a beautiful disaster
and if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
lord, would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster?

i am lying here in your arms, broken down to my core, this is me. raw. you see the scars, the past, the tears. here i am, vulnerable. my worst is laid out completely for you to see. my regrets and my fears are here. are you going to take them? make them yours, make them disappear before my eyes, the greatest allusion i've seen to date.
i am yours, any way you want me. if this is too forward, i beg you to forgive. you see, the past has nearly killed me. there were times where i laid in bed for days bruising my body from the ache in my heart. there were times when a man laid his hands upon me leaving bruises on my skin that sunk right into my soul. there were times my skin bled from heartache.
is this ever going to be enough for you to fall for me? my passion and love? is it enough? am i enough? tell me, before i fall for you, will you catch me? or leave me dangling ...

i think drugs are stupid

period.
end of story.

fate

theres a reason for everything that happens. theres a reason i'm still alive, and theres a reason for all the people i've encountered in my life. theres a reason i have the friends i have,t he lover i have, and the family i have. your life is planned before you can even take a breathe, the people you meet are planned meetings. theres a reason your here baby, with me. i just hope, if theres nothing else you get from texas, you get that we are meant to be. i love you. i know it would be selfish of me to say that god brought you to texas to bring us together, but in some weird way, i hope that he did. i hope you see that we are meant to be. you have taught me so much in the short few months we've known eachother. i shouldve known that first day that my heart skipped a beat for a reason. i love you, and thats all i really know. i have loved you from the first day i set my eyes upon you and i love you now, and i will love you tomorrow and next month, and at graduation when your name is called, i will cheer your name and whisper that you are my love. and at the end of the summer when i leave, i will love you then, and when i come through your town on my way home, i will love you then, and maybe even take a detour to see your street. and i will love you from now on.

if he dont want to, love you the right way, he aint gonna.

well, he is absolutely amazing.
and knows all the right things to say
and is making me fall head over heels in love with him.
he is protective and strong
and pulls me back towards him when i try to pull away
and when i went to his house, he told me welcome home
and thats what i want to hear
again
and everyday
for the rest of my life.

like the fire needs the air, i wont burn unless your there.

One day you fall for this boy; and he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't

today was beyond amazing. lying in bed for an hour with him was beautiful. we didnt have sex, but we didnt need to, today i felt such a deeper connection with him. just being held by him, our bodies pressed against each other. i know how i feel after today, i know he is who i want, more than ever before, his simple kisses, the way he pulls me closer when i try to pull away, the way he doesnt want me to move. i love his compliments. i love hiding my face away in his chest when i'm shy or nervous or blushing.i love his smile, and how with him near i cant stop smiling. i love his smell.

he is a gentleman, he is classy and classic. he would never hurt a woman, but he will fight for me if thats what he has to do. i dont believe that he will be mine, but i refuse to give up this fight. he is the most amazing being i have ever seen, i never want to see again...from this day forward, i am surely blind.

"My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within, but then he rose, brilliant as the moon in full and sank in the burrows of my keep, and all my armor, falling down, in a pile at my feet." - Fiona Apple, 'Pale September'

"I have shed this dry hard shell--traded its comfort for your eyes." – Boy Sets Fire, "fine art of falling"

"Because though it was already happening to me, I could not see how I would ever come to hate the people I loved. Yet at the same time I could do nothing to stop it, and that would not change for a very long time." -Stewart Nan, 'Snow Angels'

and i had you.

i am currently falling in love with you.
i hope your realizing this
i hope it never ends
i want to spend my days laying in your arms
and feeling your kiss
with my hand in yours
the way it perfectly fits
and i want to stare into your eyes
and know i'll be alright.
but i will never get any of this.
your hearts taken already
and im just too late
or just not right for you.
but, she left you
doesnt that mean a thing to you?
and for some reason, something brought your family to this town
more then just a job
some insignificant thing.
i hope i'm that insifnificant thing.