“And then a sort of deep understanding. She sees it in their faces. Quieter than rain. Quieter than leaves.”
— Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin

“The simple things come back to us. They rest for a moment by our ribcages then suddenly reach in and twist our hearts a notch backward.”

“They’re all throbbing with fear. We all are…. Bits of it floating in the air. It’s like dust. You walk about and don’t see it, don’t notice it, but it’s there and it’s all coming down, covering everything. You’re breathing it in. You touch it. You drink it. You eat it. But it’s so fine you don’t notice it. But you’re covered in it. It’s everywhere. What I mean is, we’re afraid. Just stand still for an instant and there it is, this fear, covering our faces and tongues.”
— Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin

“All I wanted to do was to walk out into a clean elsewhere.”
— Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin



“You will be walking someday in the dark and the truth will come shining through, and behind you will be a life that you never want to see again.”
— Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin


“We hurt, and have one another for the healing.”
— Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin

“There are rocks deep enough in the earth that no matter what the rupture, they will never see the surface.
There is a fear of love.”

avoid destructive thinking. improper negative thoughts sink people. a ship
can sail around the world many times, but let enough water get into the ship
and it will sink. just so with the human mind. let enough negative thoughts or
improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person
sinks just like a ship. Alfred A. Montapert

to laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the
affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure
the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a
redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. this is to have succeeded. Ralph Emerson

she is eating butterflies when she dreams of you. they trickle down her throat and taste like your lips, and every square inch on her body becomes the feel of your fingertips connecting her to the dots that create the silhouette of their bodies.

we have reached the point where even your most affectionate
adjectives your scintillating personality, your foremost fortitudes
do not lift the corners of my lips, i have become too familiar with the
crunching sound of sternum into ribcage to soak myself into the hollow
sound of your voice reaching towards me all you are to me now is a
symbolization of everything to avoid and i wish i could give you another
chance but you have already built my defenses too high

you are a lopsided tornado, blundering your way in that typical
cumbersome manner throughout the depth of my giving no
thought to the arteries you are ripping apart

with such an open heart and such a sensitive soul
you'll probably spontaneously combust.

the more art i do, the more passionate about it i become. god i wish i could make a living from it..but i do love my major. :/

PHS SShelton Lester

who am i, that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love, and watch me rise again. who am i, that the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me.

i want your love

i don't want to be friends..

heavy hearted

should i tell or should i not?
am i a bad person if i don't tell him he deserves so much better..or does telling make me a bad person?
she was my friend first.
but she has no respect for him, she treats him bad and pressures him sexually.
i'm so lost..i didn't think i felt this way :/

Hey hey
The way you spin me around
You make me dizzy when you play me
Like a kid with a crown

per aspera ad astra.

to the stars through difficulties, or, from hardships to the stars.
this is my first tattoo, it is in memory of my grandmother. but it means so much more as well, sparrow tattoos stand for a lot, including new beginnings, which is exactly what this represents, i told my design teacher that when i got per aspera ad astra tattooed on me, i would quit cutting.
five years, and its all gone now.
and its so scary to not be that girl anymore, but its for the best.
also the purple is for that she died of pancreatic cancer. i try my hardest not to dwell on her death, but much of it led to my depression and self injury. also, sailors used to get these after successfully traveling long journeys. sparrows/swallows were the first thing they would see when they got close to land. the symbolize a safe journey home. i feel as if i have been through an immense struggle in my life, and this in a way guides me. it is my reward for surviving.
also, all swallows return back to san juan capistrano every year. having one tattooed on you shows pride and loyalty, also saying you will always come home. sailors used to have these, and if they drowned it is said that the swallows would come and take his soul to heaven. (part of where from hardships to the stars comes in). swallows choose a mate for life, tattoos of them also represent fidelity and finding love.
so yeah, my tattoo means a lot, exactly why i got it (:
i love this..

your words are saccharine sweet
and i swear, to me, they don't mean a thing
they're just clever little tools to sway my thinking

he didn't ask me to stay
instead
he told me he didn't want to wait
i told him it was his decision.
and he didn't even take long to decide
he didn't sit and contemplate
or fight with me about it.
he gave in.
i feel like this is all too familiar.
this pain.
i feel like its all i've known for the last few years
i remember when tyler left
how mad i was .. it didn't even bother me at first that he could turn away without feeling any pain.
and all the things he said to me
how it set me so far back
i'm so scared to be there again. i hate seeing him.

"They're quite crazy, dear- men are. What you look for is one of them whose insanity is large enough, and calm and generous enough, to include you"
-Charles Baxter

“Writers must fortify themselves with pride and egotism as best they can. The process is analogous to using sandbags and loose timbers to protect a house against flood. Writers are vulnerable creatures like anyone else. For what do they have in reality? Not sandbags, not timbers. Just a flimsy reputation and a name.”

I feel like half the time I can't decide what I want to do.
:/

www.allpoetry.com/JeSSicAKAyu

I'm not afraid anymore.

just know that whatever is happening is exactly what should occur. what is not good for man historically has not survived. this is exactly what you should be feeling, you know exactly who you should know, and be sure to realize a lesson will come out of all of this. Don't take anything for granted, but know there is a reason in the world for everything that occurs. The world is oddly at peace with itself, it will work out.



I feel like for the last few months I've been on this philosophical journey to figure myself out and figure the world out. This all started out of pain and heartache, but somehow, I'm so much stronger of a person then who I was before. I can't really imagine being that person again..
and I'm so happy to be here.

It's all so clear now, your someone I want in my life.

Manic Depression

Manic Depression

Posted using ShareThis

it's so odd to be free from you
you held me down for far too long
and never tried to make it work
just held your own
and let me break
"And you still mean everything to her, you're just not worth the fight anymore."
no, i'm not fighting for this anymore
because
i know what love is
and it's not you.
your arms will never hold me quite right
i feel free
a feeling i haven't enjoyed since that summer
and in the fall, when we met
could you tell i was vulnerable?
could you see in my eyes?
your no monster, and i'm no princess
but you knew from the start you'd never make it work.
and you would never try
and thats the worst, that your intentions from the beginning were to break me apart
and leave me to earn my keep.

i met a boy
with kaleidoscope eyes

Why?
Why do you do it? What makes you choose to run the edge across your skin?
Why?
Why does it seem a good idea to cut... when if you press a little deeper your life could end...
Why?
Why is it a good thing to make your loved ones suffer? To make them cry almost every day? Even the innocents, your freinds... what did they do to get that jab in their stomach whenever that word...
Cut.
Cutter.
Cutting.
Graces the lips of another being...
Why?
Paint, music, dance, literature, exercise...
All of these you could turn to, yet you choose to get a half-an-hour high... And the high won't come back... so you go deeper and deeper until...
Boom.
Black out.
Hospitals.
Therapist.
Tears.
Why not throw away the razor and begin anew... Replace it with art, or distractions.
Ignore your mind. No matter how much you throb, don't let it control you.
It controls you.
A snake, constricting the life from your eyes.
Until...
I look. And there is someone else...
In what used to be your eyes.
Someone emotionless, numb, uncaring of the world.
You're gone.
Lost.
Your body remains a puppet to the devil... to that razor.
Everything 'you' see is now dark, unhappy, frowning...
You feel insignificant...
Uncared for...
And alone...
And the people who love you, you are doing the same to them... They are dying too.
But you are too selfish.
Too wrapped in your own satisfaction...
To see you are killing them.

You were just a boy on a bed in a room, like a kaleidoscope is a tube full of bits of broken glass. But the way I saw you was pieces refracting the light, shifting into an infinite universe of flowers and rainbows and insects and planets, magical dividing cells, pictures no one else knew.

you go on, you be gone.

its funny
how i couldn't live without your
or so i thought.
but no it's so easy to go on
i'm so much better off
"you go on and i'll be happier"
it doesn't make much sense to tear your soul apart over another souls leaving.
i remember the fond times. the times i couldn't stop smiling. the times my cheeks ached from laughter and smiles.
but i also remember the bad times. when i couldnt let you see me as weak.
this all gives me hope however.
for loves to come
both good and bad.

Guinevere Eli Young Band with lyrics

I hope you're heaven sent and you're hell proof..

He's become a mystery to me. It's been months since anything made sense to me. Like simple words that held so much meaning between the two of us. I can't even wrap my mind around the way he felt anymore. the way we moved and the words he would say. it's human nature, in it's simplest form. to seek pleasure, and assurance. but it meant so much more to me.
i remember that night we crawled into his bed, into unknown places. and we spoke now lifeless words and he made my body ache and shake in fear.
and i cried for what we had done. and he assured me that my doubts were unreasonably so. and i believed his every word.
i remembered days he'd have to hush me to stay quite. because we said secret words. like nothing in the world could break us. i was so happy, nothing in the world could break me.
funny how that was.
but it inspires me..
i guess, the good thing about feeling that way, is that i know those feelings. like, even if it all goes to hell again, i know what love is. i don't miss him .. i miss those feelings.


but .. i think there is a possibility i'll feel that way again..someday

I can't make up my mind.
on..anything.
I can't make up my mind on what it is I can't make up my mind about.
That troubles me deeply.
I can't seem to catch a break from myself. I'm under constant scrutiny and deception from myself.
I'll be my own damn demise, i swear.
I think I'm going crazy.
I sit and I think about things that shouldn't matter to a person
like..
there's these cars that seem to be made of remnants of other cars. one door is one color, and another is the opposite. and i wonder what happened. and i sit alone and i think these thoughts and i think I'm going crazy. because i can't stop thinking about cars with different colored doors. so i worry.
oh god, i'm crazy.
and i worry if anyone would ever love a girl like me, who thinks about the cars made up of another car. and thinks too deeply about it. and those start to churn up other worrisome thoughts.
like why is love such a worry?
and i'm sure i could never share these thoughts with another person without risking the validity of my sanity.
i really think i'm going crazy.

dried up
and crusted on my skin
can't stop the bleeding
is this sin my mortal sin?
is this all worth dying for?
i just
just
can't feel this way anymore..

somethings gotta give.

bleeding scars, hopeless starts

i had done
so well
i hadn't in nearly
three weeks
until just a moment ago
momentary madness
blinding hot heat
coming to the surface
i admit it
I am weak for sure
I am so weary
I am scared
and I'm tired of feeling this way

I don't know if I'll ever be okay

why do I miss the bleeding

What is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous

how long is an instant?
when you're told someone dies on impact in a wreck everyone seems relieved. well at least they didnt go through pain. just an instant and they were dead. but how long is an instant if its an instant of pain. of your lungs and heart exploding and your chest cavity crushing beneath the sheer force. how is that supposed to bring relief? they died in an instant of pain beyond comparison or recognition.
or in happier news.
love at first sight. the instant i saw him i knew i loved him. what is said in that fleeting glance of passion, curiousness, and eroticism? how is an instant all a person needs at times?
what instances define you?
what instances altered your life?

you come and leave so quickly
and we shutter as you struggle not to kiss me.
and now i don't know who to turn to
because we ruined this tonight
i know we did.
it will never be the same
our lips are tainted.

the weight of the weary is greater then proposed.

i'm not supposed to be feeling this way. and it tears me apart. we've been apart longer then we were together yet i've fallen even deeper in love with you. how can this be? how can a heart feel so much pain and let itself feel even more and more?
this makes no sense.
it goes against all logic.
but you haunt me in my dreams. your memories are all that i seek.
and i hate this so much.